I.
Three more minutes and her violent thoughts will snap out of her brain. Pain, yes pain, you feel pain when you recognize it. It’s like registering that your fingers are on fire, that you’re stepping on hot coals, that you pricked yourself from the needle, and worst that you’ve been grinding your meat in the paper grinder without knowing. But pain differs from the other pains. It’s not just a simple physical response of the body when it’s impinged with sharp objects, or jostled with blades, or burned with flames. It’s a pain that everybody feels inside. It’s a pain that appears surprisingly without any aid of blades, fires, or needles. It exists in every people. It’s a pain that exists anytime and anywhere. It’s not a physical response, it does not register in your brain, but in your heart. Your heart feels pain. It will crumple like thin paper and crush like glass. Everyone is fragile.
“So?...”, Ed bit his lower lip with agitation. All he cared about was Mary, he loved her.
Silence is pricking. The whole place became blue in Mary’s vision. It was so damn cold that she wanted to just freeze and stop, moreover, to stop the pain. But it didn’t matter anyway, she’s here, and here is hell already.
“Stop that Mary.” Ed murmured softly
She sat there without thoughts. They already snapped. And they snapped her. Time is still running. It didn’t care about her or anyone. It just keeps on running. She wished that her life can run that fast too. It’s just too damn cruel and harrowing. It’s not pain but tiredness and anger. She just wished she could outrun everything but her legs were too numb, that she can’t even stand.
Time ran away from her. She was busy staring nowhere, her thoughts somewhere Ed can’t reach. Her thoughts isolated in a jar placed in a vault.
She’s too numb to even open her mouth for an answer. She’s just a statue who wishes to crack into tiny pieces. Her thoughts were already invalid. Her body was invalid.
“Mary…” Ed tried to reach for her. But she couldn’t let him in. She was busy thinking of nothing, her nothingness.
The blade ran across her flesh. It tore open and blood oozed like flood. It was violent, drastic, but at the same time quite lovely. Yes, lovely. It was the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
“Mary stop that!” He quickly took the blade in her hands and threw it away. “Please stop! God you’re bleeding! Stay here!” He went out the door in a hurry.
Mary was left alone. Her eyes sunk in their sockets. Fluid drained in her body. She felt terrible and horrible. Her body was terrible. Her shirt and jeans in a mess, it was all stained with blood, blood that wasn’t hers, but somebody else’s. The night was so lonely, she wished she can be the light, but her thoughts grabbed her light away from her. She stayed with the demons and she was tormented with thorny chains deep down her spine. She fell down, countless stories of a building, and yet she hasn’t reached the ground yet, just not yet.
Ed came back with a first aid kit and quickly wrapped her bleeding wrist in bandage. He hugged her and whispered that it’ll gonna be okay. But Mary’s not there anymore. She’s somewhere angels don’t exist or even heard of. She’s with not her body, her soul flying up the vast lonely skies.
“Mary, please!” Ed was already shaking her. She can feel it. “It’s not your fault!”
Still she can feel him, but she can’t make herself respond. Her thoughts were busy playing with her body in the air. She wished that Ed leave her alone and run away.
II.
She heard nothing except the thought in her brain reaching the room with metal doors. The cold metal doors with no life inside, cold walls that engulfed a lifeless being and cold doctors with their large injections sticking out their pockets, they felt so real.
The cold metal doors left her a tiny pain. Tiny yet it changed her so much that she also turned into a cold metal. Even colder than the metal door. She never cared about the past, she’s always looking straight forward with her chin up. She never cared for anyone, anybody, somebody, but herself, and Mary. Her palm touched the surface. There’s warmth. She always thought that metals were cold, her heart was a metal, but this door was warm. She felt the warmth creep inside her being. She pushed. She felt excitement. She pushed harder. The door opened. Her soul being taken in by the presence inside the room with a metal door, she walked inside. She saw Mary sitting there with chains on her wrists and feet. She was tethered in a chair bolted to the ground. Her face was so pale and white. She walked closer and closer, closer, closer, and Mary looked at her in the eyes.
“Sofi! Wake up!”, the little girl with short auburn hair was leaping on her bed. She felt the weight on her back. Mary was sitting on her back with her teddy bear in her arms.
“Geesh! Wake up! You’re drooling!” She laughed.
She tried to push her off but she was too strong. Her small body was stronger than her teenage body. She can’t lift her or make her go away. She loved her, her little sister.
“Mary it’s still 6 in the morning.” She murmured sleepily.
“You told me you’re taking me to school!”
“School starts at 8 Mary.” She reached for the pillow on her side and tried to cover her ears.
“Come on! Then you make me breakfast!” She began to leap up and down again smashing her back.
“Kennedy can make breakfast for you.”
“I don’t want him! He’s creepy. Please get up!” She began to make a sad face, her eyes like a puppy’s.
“Alright! Just go down stairs and I’ll follow.”
The little girl smiled and hugged her. She heard the door close and soft foot steps tapped the floor board. For a moment her eyes opened themselves and saw the teddy bear beside her. It closed again and saw the same thing in her dreams. Cold metal door…
She sat and reached for the hairbrush on the table beside her bed. She brushed her soft wavy hair smoothly.
Her hair was like Mary’s hair, auburn, but longer. They got it from their mother who died when Mary was 6 and she was 13. Since then they became closer to each other. She always looked after her. She knew that the only family she had now was Mary. She could live with that idea forever. They would go out and walk in the park, feed the doves with bread crumbs and make kites when it’s windy. Mary would always sleep beside her and hug her. They would always eat ice scream after they go to church on a Sunday. She would always brush Mary’s hair and style it with ribbons.
Although they lived with their step-father, Kennedy Manford, whom their mother married out of love, they never cared about him for he was always out during the night with some other women or for gambling, but their mother cared. She would always be waiting for him to come home. They were always fighting. Sofia never understood why Kennedy married her mother. Marriage in her point of view is done because of love. He did not love her. She felt pity for her mother who then, became bed-stricken due to an illness which was incurable. All the pain left her in a state of delirium. She would always scream at nights and beg for Kennedy to stay beside her. But he was nowhere to be found, he was always out, out with another woman. The mansion was always empty, manless, and their mother was pathetic. Then she died.
They were both left to Kennedy who never changed after the death of their mother. They don’t have anny relatives. Sofia wanted to take Mary and live somewhere else. But they were penniless and they knew only Kennedy had the money. She felt like they were in hell, she felt countless of hopes die in front of her, she saw her mother fading, she tried to reach for her, but she can’t, she was already gone, five years ago. The only thing she was fighting for was her sister. She would study hard and become a lawyer, then, she would buy a house and live with Mary there, together, forever.
She stood up and put on her slippers, her bed neatly fixed, and her hair tied up in a ponytail. Her sight set on the open window, the sun was graceful, it was warm, it was vibrant, the morning was beautiful. She faced the life size mirror beside the cabinet and stared at her figure. She has a thin and slender body, partnered with a sharp face, innocent but a cunning gorgeous face. She was always envied by other girls at school. She has a smooth pale skin and pointy nose. Her eyes were like chocolate tops which turn into blazing topaz stones when they were hit by light. Boys would always ask her number and she would always turn them down. It’s not the right time, she always thought about that. She always thought about Mary, her little angel, her hope. She wished their mother never died, she wished she never married a devil.
Mary was in the kitchen frowning. She saw a glimpse of Kennedy going out the house. She watched him like a hunter wanting to kill his game.
“I’m hungry! I want bacon!” the little girl whined. She sat on the chair like a boss with her arms intertwined.
“What did he say to you?” Sofia asked while holding the pan on the fire stove.
“Nothing. He doesn’t talk you know. He’s like a monster.”
“Yeah.”, she sighed.
She always knew that. Kennedy was a monster. He tortured their mother, he killed her, not literally, but emotionally. He was remorseless, a demon, a psychopath, who always cared about money and pleasure. He never cared about them. One time Mary asked him to play with her he refused and locked himself inside his room. Her sister cried and she felt her blood boiling. How can he do that to Mary? Who is he anyway? They could walk out on him whenever they like but he was the one financing their studies and they need to hold on that until they graduate. They were both hopeless. Maybe her little sister never understood anything, but someday she will.
After breakfast, Sofia dressed up and helped Mary prepare her things. They went outside and rode on the bus. She always enjoyed riding on a bus. She enjoyed leaving the house, the house of hell and torment, the house that the devil lives, the devil who killed their mother.
They got out the bus and Sofia walked Mary towards the school gate. Mary’s school was seven blocks away from the university she was attending. She would always fetch her after school and they would always eat inside a candy store.
“Remember Mary, don’t listen to Sheila okay? Don’t fight her but don’t let her take your lunch. Just walk away or tell your teacher if she still follows you.”
“Okay, I will, but if she still does it, I will scratch her.” She held her hands in front of her like cat paws. She was so cute.
Sofia watched her as she get inside the gate. Mary is in the fifth grade. She was always bullied by Sheila. She would always be called by the teacher once a week because of her sister getting involved in a fight. Kennedy never cared anyway so she was the only one who always talked to Mary’s teacher. Her sister is not like other girls who simply liked dolls and candies, she is a little bit boyish, a little angel who has a bold personality, who never let demons step on her foot. She was always bullied.
It all began when there was an occasion in their school, Parent’s day. Her classmates never understood why she had no mother and father. They laughed at her and Sofia hugged her as she cried. The teacher would always scold her classmates telling them that it was not right to make fun of her. Sofia always pitied Mary. She would always accompany her on school occasions and even skip classes just to be with Mary. She only had Mary, her little angel, her hope. They would always play sack race and win. They would always eat picnic lunch together and sit under the tree. They would always go home together, hand in hand.
III.
Sofia Manford was late for her first subject, Philosophy. She is in her fourth year in highschool. She is the brightest student in her class. She is a constant scholar, a beautiful and popular girl in school. Professors liked her, boys liked her, some girls liked her, but she never cared about them, she only cared about her studies, and Mary. She is like a goddess whenever she walks the hall. Even the stars fall down when her hair begin to steal their glow and scintillate on a morning. She is like spring that spreads her mighty power over the icy hallways. But she never cared what they say about her, what they think of her, she only cared about no one, but her sister.
She hurriedly passed by the lockers and across the hallways. She reached the third floor and went inside the room. Her professor, Ms. Handel, was already in and delivering her lectures. She never called her attention for Sofia was her favourite in class. Only Sofia understands what she always says. The others were like empty vending machines. The girls are dressed like whores, boys dressed like punks, some girls and almost all the boys smoke. Sofia was never like her classmates. She always dressed right, she is still fashionable though. She never smoked or never was in drugs. She is the ideal student Ms. Handel wanted in her class. She is perfect in her point of view. The only weird thing was, she never had any friends, only a little girl whom she saw walking with Sofia outside the university premise on a Monday afternoon. She liked her.
It was 11 when the class ended. Sofia looked at her watch and arranged her notebook on her desk.
“Don’t Audrey.”
“Oh I will till that bitch back out.” Audrey Reily said disregarding Amber’s warning.
Sofia noticed someone approaching her but pretended that she didn’t. She just stayed where she sat and played with the pen. There’s nothing to be afraid of, she thought.
“So Bryan talked to you?” Audrey still on fire approached her as she watched her fiddling her pen.
“That would be a yes.” Sofia replied coolly, composing herself more and more.
“Seems like you’re really a slut huh?”
She did not reply, after all she was not that stupid to even bother what she says. She never cared. Audrey was just a simpleton, a whore who always wanted attention by wearing provocative clothing, a dog, always following Bryan, the football captain, around.
“Are you even listening bitch?”
Sofia looked at her straight in the eye and in one second, she replied. “No.” And then she stood up and went out the room.
She walked outside to seek some peace. Audrey must be fuming right now, she thought. She didn’t want to bother other people’s problems. Bryan talked to her and tried to flirt with her but she in turn didn’t flirt back. That was just a silly thing to do. After all, all the people in her school were children. She doesn’t care about other people’s problems, she had her own problems, why even waste time to bother about theirs?
The hallway was empty, she found it relaxing. She walked until she reached the window on the other side. She leaned on the window sill and watched the youth in movement outside. Being alone was not such a bad idea, she liked it after all. She is not the person who always depends on others. She is the person who knows how to keep her business on her own. No one cared, her mother was not there to care, Kennedy never cared, and Mary doesn’t understand. Her own mind was her haven. She can tolerate everything, almost everything, except the house.
Pain is pain. It was painful when her mother left them. It was a painful journey yet she never succumbed to failure and weakness. That made her stronger. Despite all the ardent outlines of the Manford Mansion, there was Mary, her angel, her sister. It made her into a metal. Cold metal. Cold outside, but warm inside, for that warmth was her most precious memory of her mother. It was Mary. Someone would always say she is beautiful, intelligent, but boring. She is the coldest person but boys would always try to soften her. She does not want to love, yet. Love was just a foolish idea for now.
It was raining heavily when they came home. The water was so fierce. It ate the vehicles outside, the humanity and the earth. They found Kennedy at home drunk and snoring heavily on the couch. The mansion was a hell, the rain was its advocate. All the darkness crept inside the windows and unto the rooms. It was the same rain on that day of their mother’s funeral. They were in black, all black, their existence in black. Kennedy was not there when their mother died. He did cry during the funeral. It was all a mask. It was a façade. Kennedy was a rich man. He was always popular among the neighbourhood. He always cared about his image. No one knew about his wrongdoings. They know him as Kennedy Manford, a philantrophist, a faithful husband to Layla Alzack Manford, and a good father to Sofia and Mary Manford. They only knew about that. All of it was a mask, a heap of dark clouds, like the ones that engulfed the world on the day of the funeral. No one knew. They both knew.
“Sofi, why is it that I can’t remember mother’s face?”
“You were only four back then.”
“Does she look like me?” Mary giggled as she cuddled her teddy bear beside her sister.
“Yes. Of course, except the hair. Mother’s was straight.”
“How about our real father?”
Sofia stopped. Pain. Pain is pain. Needles perforated every vein in her body. Time stopped.
“He looked like me..” Sofia almost whispered the last words.
The clock made a loud ticking sound. The night was lifeless as the rain continued to devour every solid thing in its view. Sofia tucked Mary to bed. She stared at the clock. She envied time. It didn’t care about anyone. It does not feel anything. It has life but it was not like the ordinary boring life of humans, it has a very colourful life. It didn’t care about everybody, but everybody care about it. Her father valued time so much, but the time didn’t care about him. He had cancer when Mary was still a baby. Layla was always beside him. She loved him so much. It was all perfect before the cancer. All was perfect before their father had cancer. He was a perfect father. He was a lawyer. They had a perfect family. But why does he have to die? Of all the people, why her father? Why not Kennedy? All these questions smothered Sofia. She sat quietly beside her little sister who was asleep. Her father always played with her. They would go out early on a Saturday morning to fish at a nearby river. Her father would always carry her on his back. Her mother would always put on her best clothes during their anniversary. The three of them would always go to malls every Christmas holidays. Her father would always bring home a cake whenever her birthday arrived. It was a very amazing life, with her father and her mother. But it all went away like waves. It was not permanent. All things were not permanent. They changed, and they changed her.
IV
Sofia was awakened by the alarm clock beside her bed. Mary already went to school. Her body felt pain as she stood up and put on her slippers. She stared at herself in front the life size mirror beside the cabinet. Disgusting! She felt disgusted! How she wished she can kill herself at that very moment. She hated her life! But there was Mary, and Mary was her angel. She then stared at nothing. Her eyes seemed lost in vast space, the time is running, she was left alone, she was scared, she felt empty, she felt lonely, she needed Mary beside her. But Mary was not there, she already went to school.
She entered the bathroom and took off her evening gown. The cold water ran across the scratches on her shoulders. It felt painful, but she didn’t care about it, she needed to clean herself. Clean her soul from all the dirt of human existence. She wanted to sterilize all, all of the presence that Kennedy left last night. How much she wanted to rip her skin from her flesh! Every morning she would feel the same when she was in the shower, to tear every skin from her body. She felt indifferent. She wanted to leave the mansion. Soon, she thought, soon they will leave the hellish house, the house that contained a demon from hell, the house that destroyed everything. Her hands gripped on the shower host, tighter, tighter, until it choked.
She felt emptiness. She was so fragile. She finished showering and put on her clothes. Her heart was momentarily stupefied. For Mary. She wanted Mary to be happy. Her heart went number and number every second. When did life become so cruel? When did all things start to suffocate her?
She stared in complete blankness. Her hair was still dripping. She put on her unfashionable baggy sweater, her torn jeans and an old pair of sneakers. She wasn’t herself like before. All were disgusting. She was disgusting. It was hell. Her life was hell, there was no heaven, except her angel, Mary. But she was disgusted at her, Mary’s disgusted at her. Hell, just hell. It was choking her already, she needed air, but there was no air.
“Hey look at her, she looks pathetic.” She heard a girl said.
“Yeah, and she stinks.”, agreed another.
The university was a hell too. Sofia wanted not to attend college, but she had to, for Mary, her only hope. It was all for Mary. She can’t catch time, she was trying. Life has been hell and Mary doesn’t understand anything.
She passed by the hallways and then inside the bathroom. Feeling exhausted, she dropped her things inside one cubicle and she wept. The whole world was jeering at her, mocking her. How much she sacrificed on one reason? Mary would not know. She should not know. She wants to be her sister but she should not know, of how much she sacrificed.
Mary was busy tying her shoelace when she caught a glimpse of Sofia’s baggy sweater. She stopped for a moment and looked around. She would never understand why her sister’s so different for the last three years. She hid behind the wall as she watched her sister look around for her. Please don’t see me, she thought. Her self mocking her soul and her blood in complete shame, she walked fast and instead of going out the main gate, she had to use the back gate which was only for cars. She hurriedly walked and walked until she reached the mansion.
The sun was setting down. It was dying. Maybe Mary went home early. Her feet already sore from standing, Sofia walked slowly away from the gate. The cloud began to concentrate and darken, just like before, just like before hell came into their lives, just like when their mother died, when Kennedy came, and when she had known herself. She had to live, but living is painful. Pain is pain. Sofia recognized pain many times. She wanted not to, but her mind, heart and soul couldn’t stop. The sun was slowly dying. More, more, and more, it dimmed.
She reached the house. It was already 6 in the evening. She stared at the door. Maybe Mary…Just maybe…
“Why are you late?”, Kennedy asked while he sipped his wine.
She just walked past him and climbed the stairs. Damn! The demon, she just saw the demon, again! She closed the door and locked herself. She wanted to die, everyday, she wanted to die. But it seemed that the blades were too dull and poisons were not really poisonous. Everything was dark, her mind’s dark, her heart’s in darkness. No one cared, except her self. Maybe Mary’s doing her homework?
She knocked Mary’s door. There was no response. It left a very terrible pain, again.
“Are you there? Let’s eat.”, She tried her best to sound natural.
Silence…..
“J-just come down when you’re done… I’ll eat first.”
Sofia turned away fighting back the violence of her emotions. All mixed up in her heart, her emotions wanted to burst out of it, they wanted to be free, free from her.
She just finished working on her homework and was already in her pyjamas. Mary stared at the calendar. Birthday…Her birthday… She ignored the markings on it and fixed her things. She did not eat dinner, she haven’t been eating dinner these past few years. She always had take out orders whenever she arrived home. Sofia didn’t know. Maybe she knows…
Her mind was completely in confusion. She stared blankly at herself in the mirror. She was pretty, long wavy auburn hair, and youthful, a teenager. She stared for another minute until a dark shadow invaded her image. It was frightening! The shadow was so dark she could not see the mirror anymore. It was so dark, her heart was beating, in full blast of emotions, they wanted to burst. They wanted to be free.
Mary stood in front of Sofia’s room. It was dark. Maybe she’s sleeping… She wanted to call her but her voice was lost. Her voice flew out from her throat. It just left nothing, nothing to make Sofia wake up, nothing to greet her. She gripped on the door knob. It wasn’t locked. She opened, she pushed, it creaked. Coldness sprang inside her. Happy birthday Sofia….
V.
“Where are we going exactly?”, Mary asked while twirling the ribbon on her dress.
“Are you finished with that?”
“Yes. So?”
“We’re going to the book store.”
“Sounds boring.” She frowned and slumped on her sit.
“Books are not boring young lady.” Sofia said while brushing her sister’s hair. “They are great.”
“They sound like Martha.”
“Don’t be harsh on her. Besides she just lost her husband.”
“Doesn’t she get tired of those old clocks?”
“She loved those clocks Mary, just like candies.”
Mary smiled and stood up, her skirt rustled along the wooden chair.
“At least they’re sweet.” She said gaily.
“Martha is a sweet dear old lady, she just loves clocks Mary.” Sofia sighed. “Poor old woman.”
She understood why Martha, their old neighbour loved those old clocks. She never sold them to an antique shop. Other people found it weird. They were gifts from her son who was a navy. Sofia would watch him kiss her mother’s forehead whenever he leaves the house. One day, he never came back. Martha and George were very sad. She understood them. She felt the same when her mother died.
She saw Mary already outside the door with her little pink bag. She looked cute in it. They walked past Martha’s house. Sofia thought that the house was splendid but lonely. As she walked, she peered inside and saw Martha crocheting. She was relieved.
They were on the bus and Mary can’t help moving a lot. And as she watched the people walk by the sidewalk, she caught a picture of her mother. A picture of her mother when she was still a child, her mother would always be smiling. She never saw her sad, their father never made her sad. She loved to watch them both smiling. It was all perfect. But time ran so fast. That very moment was just a clip from a perfect movie, her perfect past. The only perfect thing was now beside her.
They reached the core of Manhattan. It was a very fine day, many people walking on the streets, vendors everywhere. They entered a bookstore and looked through the shelves for something to read. Sofia always loved books. She wanted Mary to love them too. Layla always brought her books whenever she arrived home from work. She then began to love reading.
“This is funny.” The little girl said while she giggled. She was looking at the cover of a book with a boy who have pig ears and pig nose.
She returned the book and then got another one. This time her face lit up. It was a book with a cover of a girl in pink dress with a pink bag. “Little Miss”.
“Buy this Sofi!”, she hopped towards her big sister.
“Are you sure you’re going to read that?”
“Why yes! Look! Look! We have the same dress and bag!”, her smile widened more.
They left the bookstore after they bought some books. They walked and walked until late in the evening. Kennedy was home. Sofia saw the beer bottles all scattered around. As she instructed Mary to go to bed, she saw a woman’s stockings sticking out the side of the sofa. Her blood boiled hot. How could he let this happen? What would Mary think? She furiously climbed the stairs and knock Kennedy’s room.
“What?!”
He smelled horrible. She saw a naked woman on his bed. Disgusting.
“What?!” He repeated again. “Do you have any sense of self preservation?!”
“How could you let that woman in? What would Mary think?”, she was trying hard to tolerate him.
“This is my house so I’ll do what I want with it!”
He slammed the door shut in front of her face. She always wondered why Kennedy was like that. Maybe he didn’t have any parents, or maybe he’s just really stupid. He had this perverted attitude and Sofia had long known about it. He was very disgusting. Why would her mother love this kind of a monster? Why in the world? There were many other men out there, why not them? Why Kennedy?
She entered her room and Mary was already sleeping. She had been browsing Little Miss. She took the book from her hand and kissed her cheek. She wished she can be a book. She wished she can write a book. She would put a Happily Ever After to her own life. Her mother would be queen, her father, King and Mary the princess. Happily ever after….
VI.
Mary had been sitting on the bench for two hours. Her face displayed confusion. She had been sitting like some soul who had no body. She stared at the passing vehicles in front of her and suddenly she saw something that awakened her. It was already 7:30 and she had to be in the publishing office at 8 or else her slot would be taken by another. She had been worrisome for the last few days, worrying that everything will fail. She stood up and picked up the folder that sat beside her.
People never cared about her. The weather did not care about her. She loved it, the fact that nobody actually cared for her. Her hair was in ponytail and she wore make up just like other girls who wanted to look professional for a job interview. She walked in the subway and across the busy streets. From time-to-time she would gaze at window glasses (any shiny surfaces) to check if she still looked good. She looked magnificent and beautiful.
As she approached the building’s main entrance, her heart pumped more blood. It beat so fast that she was already in a state of heart attack. It beat like a wild fire consuming every field in 10 seconds. She walked
No comments:
Post a Comment